Let’s Dust Off that Asshole to English Dictionary

I thought it might be fun to share a little bit of my MFA journey. This is a discussion assignment from a class titled Engaging Online Writing Students, which is required to receive a teaching certificate with the degree.

The assignment was to address the concerns of one of three fictional students.

Here is the student email I chose.

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Hello professor,

I find it ABSOLUTELY ridiculous that you expect us to submit 5,000 words in our second week of class. Have you done the math to figure out what that is? You are asking way too much of your students if you think it's possible to write that much in two weeks and there's just pretty much no way I'll be submitting that. Would you rather I submit something more achievable, like 2,000 words? I think I can handle that. If not, then you will have to accept my submission as late. Some of us have families and jobs.

Please get back to me ASAP. 
Jane

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What follows is the post as it was submitted. A word of warning: This contains a bit more profanity than usual. Also, I, as the writer, come off as a jackass. This is just a personality I took on for the express purpose of telling Jane off. It is in no way representative of my actual personality.  

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Hi everyone,

I wrote this in two parts, the first, or asshole part, is what I want to say, and the second, or translation, is what I would say. Jane really got under my skin, but she would never know it from my response. The email I would send her is included at the end.

Please know I don’t generally talk to people like I do in the asshole portion of this. However, the module promised me a fun activity in its opening paragraph, and since I didn’t see any other fun activities, I made the discussion post a fun activity. 

Here we go.

Asshole: (That’s me) Well, fuck, Jane,

Translation: (Also me, but nice) Hi Jane,

Asshole: I find it ABSOLUTELY ridiculous that you would bitch about writing 5K words. I mean, you want to be a writer, don’t ya? Writers have to do this all the time.

Translation: I do understand that writing 5000 words in two weeks may seem like a daunting task.

Asshole: And why yes, I have done the math. It comes out to something like 360 words a day. Your email is 107 words. If, instead of complaining to me, you had started on your assignment, you would already have close to one-third of your word count for the day.

Translation: If you break the writing down into more manageable chunks, let’s say 300-400 words each day, I think you will find it to be easier than you think.

Asshole: I’m sorry; I must have missed the announcement that you had been elected as the class union rep. I will be sure to consult with you before making assignments in the future. And yes, I do think it’s possible to write 5K words in two weeks. It’s just not possible for you, so…. Also, your third sentence is sloppy as fuck.

Translation: Although I am asking you to stretch a bit, I believe 5000 words is an attainable goal for you and everyone else in our class. In fact, I believe you are all capable of more than you think.

Asshole: Honestly, Jane, I don’t give a flying fuck what you turn in. If you turn in nothing, it’s one less pile of hot garbage I have to troll through. So do what you want.

Translation: I would like you to consider shooting for 5000 words. Have faith in yourself, but don’t stress too much about the word count. It’s just a number. What you have to say is much more important.

Asshole: I don’t think you can handle stocking canned green beans at the Piggly Wiggly. Go ahead and turn it in late. Again, flying fuck and all. You’ll just have to accept a late penalty. It’s probably better if I give you a shitty grade anyway. I wouldn’t want to leave you with the impression you might be good at writing or something.

Translation: You can handle this, Jane. I have faith in you. Just focus on telling your story and turn in what you have completed on the due date.

Asshole: Are you implying I don’t have a family? Do you think I have nothing better to do with my life than sit around waiting for you to turn in 5K words of crappy fan fiction? I mean, Footloose is a better fuckin vampire story than the shit you’ve managed to churn out.

Translation: I got nothing.

Asshole: Is less than an hour ASAP enough for ya, Jane? Oh, you should learn my name. I learned yours. Now fuck off.

Translation: I am glad you felt comfortable contacting me about your concerns. I want to ensure that you have all the resources you need to be successful.

Thanks

The email I would send.

Hi Jane,

I understand writing 5000 words in two weeks may seem daunting. However, if you break the writing down into more manageable chunks, say 300-400 words each day, I think you will find it less challenging. I would like you to shoot for 5000 words. This program is designed to make you stretch as a writer. Have faith in yourself, but don’t stress too much about the word count. It’s just a number. What you have to say is much more important.

You can handle this, Jane. I have faith in you. Focus on telling your story and turn in what you have completed by the due date. I am constrained by grading parameters, but I will use my discretion when grading your assignment.

I am glad you felt comfortable enough to contact me about your concerns. I want to ensure that you have all the resources you need to be successful. Let me know if you would like to meet via Zoom or phone. I can’t wait to see what you write.

Thanks,

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That, my friends, is how you give a bit of character to a boring assignment.